What transphobia looks like

Unscented_Lemon

There seems to be confusion over what transphobia looks like, so I thought I'd put of a list of things that are transphobic. Other transgender people have experienced things I haven't, so the list can't be assumed to be comprehensive.

If I've called you a transphobe, you've done things on this list. Except for Morpheus, of course, who I wrongly lumped in with a group of other people.

I do agree that transphobia is a misnomer. It's usually not people being afraid. It's just people being bigoted assholes.

I've numbered the list to make it easier to refer to later, but this should not imply any order or hierarchy.

1. Using derogatory terms for transgender people.
2. Refusing to acknowledge someone's gender or pronouns, referring to them only by their AGAB (Assigned Gender At Birth).
3. Deliberately using someone's deadname.
4. Insisting that people dress or act "appropriately" for their AGAB.
5. Insisting that there are only two genders (non-binary falls under the transgender umbrella).
6. Suggesting that people are transgender only to prey on women in bathrooms or to win at sports.
7. Saying that being transgender is a mental illness.
8. Saying that natural disasters happen because transgender people exist.
9. Preventing people from being able to get gender-affirming care (eg, HRT).
10. Defending or supporting discrimination, harassment, or violence against transgender people.
11. Refusing to believe that something is transphobic when someone, especially a transgender person, tells you it is.
12. Trying to tell a transgender person what is and isn't transphobia when you are not transgender yourself.
13. Forcing people to only use public restrooms for their AGAB.
14. With the previous item, preventing people from using public restrooms if their gender presentation does not match the restroom gender. This results in a ban on transgender people using public restrooms.
15. A blanket ban on transgender people in sports. (Note: A restriction based on studies of the effects of HRT on transgender women over time with comparisons to cisgender women would not be transphobic.)
16. While "biological male" and "biological female" aren't necessarily transphobic, they are terms commonly used by transphobes. Plus, biology isn't that simple. "Biological" fails to account for intersex.
17. Defending or supporting anyone who does any of the above.

And for the record, transphobia does not include seeking clarification or greater understanding. And trust me, it's easy to tell the difference.

Thank you for attending my Teddy talk.

Mike403

I was once called a transphobe for liking Harry Potter.

Unscented_Lemon

@Mike403 I wouldn't go that far myself, but with Rowling being such an outspoken transphobe, buying Harry Potter stuff does mean money going to a transphobe who will use it to promote transphobia.

Specialist_Log

My two cents?
"You do you, boo"
But don't force ME to say, participate in, or otherwise encourage something that goes directly against my religion and/or belief system.
Respect is EARNED, and once earned, I may choose to call you what you wish to be called, as a gesture of goodwill. Until then, ... Gender neutral, usually.
If the above makes me a transphobe? Oh well

lonelytauros

@Unscented_Lemon I was reading your list and I was wondering what is someone’s dead name?

Specialist_Log

@lonelytauros Many transgender people voluntarily give up their birth/given name in favor of a new name to align more with their new gender. A dead name in that case is their birth name or given name.

lonelytauros

@Specialist_Log thank you for the explanation I never really put too much thought into it before I read this list

Unscented_Lemon

@Specialist_Log Respect is EARNED, and once earned, I may choose to call you what you wish to be called, as a gesture of goodwill.

If your default state is being disrespectful, that really says a lot about you as a person.

And yes, refusing to refer someone by the correct name or gender is transphobia. That was item 2. I guess at least you own up to it.

You're free to follow whatever religion you choose. But don't force ME to participate in it, or subject me to its rules.

Specialist_Log

@Unscented_Lemon

If your default state is being disrespectful, that really says a lot about you as a person.

Perhaps I was unclear, that's my bad. I try to deal with everyone as politely as I can, and the vast majority of the time it's easy to do so, even using gendered terms like "Sir" or "Ma'am". If the rare case comes up where I am not sure, I default to gender neutral. Hope that clears it up 👍

P.s. To be ABUNDANTLY clear, this is not refusal to use their terms. I'll use the terms- if you tell me them. I do, however, find it ridiculous to be expected to know intrinsically what exact term I should use on first meeting. It would be like meeting a stranger, and them requiring me to use their name in all interactions following. People forget names, and the if person didn't even tell me theirs yet- then I feel no obligation to use that name.

P.p.s. In short: I'm happy to keep you happy, but I don't know what I don't know. Just tell me up front and we'll be fine.

TheFunCartel

Respect is EARNED

That applies to religions/belief systems that you deem to be threatened by pronouns.

Unscented_Lemon

@Specialist_Log

I do, however, find it ridiculous to be expected to know intrinsically what exact term I should use on first meeting.

You're right, it would be ridiculous. In places with a strong transgender community, it's become normal to introduce yourself with name and pronouns. And I agree with gender neutral being a good default. Trying to choose between he or she for a non-binary person would be wrong.

And it is easy to mess up by forgetting or being distracted or tired and not thinking clearly. The first time is an accident, easily overlooked. It will get you a polite request to use the correct name/pronouns, but nothing else. Misgendering followed by immediately correcting or swearing at yourself for forgetting is also just an accident. Doing it on rare occasions but usually getting it right is just an accident. Doing it deliberately, repeatedly, and consistency is transphobia.

My apologies for misunderstanding you.

I try to deal with everyone as politely as I can

This says a lot about you as a person.

Specialist_Log

@TheFunCartel
My beliefs aren't threatened at all, and as stated above I'll use the pronouns. Just don't expect me to get it right first try. Pronouns nowadays are as numerous as names. If I haven't been told your name yet how can I use it? If you tell me your name, I'll use your name. It's that simple.

Specialist_Log

@Unscented_Lemon

. In places with a strong transgender community, it's become normal to introduce yourself with name and pronouns.

Where I currently reside, it's not a numerous community, but that's generally how it goes and I'm happy to oblige.

My apologies for misunderstanding you.

No worries!! It's honestly on me for not being clear from the get go on such a touchy (ha, cus it's a cuddle site) subject.

TheFunCartel

My beliefs aren't threatened at all, and as stated above I'll use the pronouns. Just don't expect me to get it right first try. Pronouns nowadays are as numerous as names. If I haven't been told your name yet how can I use it? If you tell me your name, I'll use your name. It's that simple.

This is much different than your respect must be earned before I even think of calling you by your pronoun. Now you say you will call someone by their pronoun if you know what it is. Why the sea change? Compare the above statement to what you originally said and already edited some:

But don't force ME to say, participate in, or otherwise encourage something that goes directly against my religion and/or belief system.

Respect is EARNED, and once earned, I may choose to call you what you wish to be called, as a gesture of goodwill.

There is a huge difference in tone and what you will or won’t do to say someone’s preferred pronoun. You basically said it goes against your religious beliefs if you utter their preferred pronouns. Now you are saying you will call them by their preferred pronoun. I am glad you are trying to understand.

cuddlefaery

I'd also like to add for the people who disagree with using people's pronouns for grammatical or any other reason-
you can still be respectful of the person's wishes/boundaries with a little forethought and creativity, as many times you can communicate with/about people without the need for indirect gendered pronouns. In fact, some people (especially those who identify as agender etc.) may prefer and even ask to not have pronouns applied to them at all.

Example:

Original - "Ben can't come in Thursday, so we'll need to review his meetings."

Singular they - "Ben can't come in Thursday, so we'll need to review their meetings."

No indirect pronouns - "Ben can't come in Thursday, so we'll need to review Ben's meetings."

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When someone transitions, it can take some time to learn name and pronoun changes. No one expects you to learn the change perfectly immediately. What they do expect is some show of effort and respect, just as they show you respect by calling you by your name/nickname, title, and pronouns in line with your wishes and boundaries. If you make a mistake, just correct the mistake and move on. It only becomes a big deal when it's repeated due to lack of care or it's intentional.

I've been close with the trans community now for quite awhile, have several trans folks I consider family and partners - and I still screw up sometimes. They screw up sometimes. It happens, we're human. Just don't be a jerk and make an effort to learn. It's no different than how as a society we have had to stop making the assumption that women over a "certain age" must be Mrs. and married, or that women who get married will always take their spouse's last names. People change names and titles all the time and we don't blink an eye - trans folks have just been in the spotlight due to politicians weaponizing them.

Kense

So people are transphobic if you only believe in two genders? This is a very judgmental thread . I’m sure it will be locked because it’s offensive to those who don’t share your beliefs with name calling/negative labeling.

Unscented_Lemon

@Kense

Yes. Non-binary falls under the transgender umbrella.

cuddlefaery

@kense, by definition, yes it is. And it's not about believing in a number of genders. You can believe all you want that there are only 20 letters in the English alphabet, but you'd be incorrect. When you say you believe there are only two genders, it means you do not understand the concept of gender, either in misunderstanding or willfully.

Kense

Incorrect to who ? You? You think everyone agrees with this? Plenty of scientists do not and who are you to say they are wrong? So when a woman gets an ultrasound on her baby should she be offended when the doctor sees a penis and labels the baby a male?

Unscented_Lemon

@Kense

• 5 Insisting that there are only two genders (non-binary falls under the transgender umbrella).
• 11 Refusing to believe that something is transphobic when someone, especially a transgender person, tells you it is.
• 12 Trying to tell a transgender person what is and isn't transphobia when you are not transgender yourself.

You may see yourself out now. And while you're at it, look up "intersex".

Kense

You two have a habit of trying to bully people into your way of thinking . Sorry I have my own views on this and your made up rules won’t change my point of view. I don’t need to look up anything . I know what an intersex person is they are less than 1% of humans and are born that way , biologically, it’s not something they feel they are.

cuddlefaery

The misconception that "phobia" only means "fear" is harmful not only to the LGBTQIA+ community, but also to understanding mental and physical health conditions. It's perpetuating stereotypes based off of incorrect definitions because people are trying to take single direct translations, when that is almost never how language works.

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

-phobia, noun combining form
1: exaggerated fear of
acrophobia
2: intolerance or aversion for
photophobia

Also from Merriam-Webster:

transphobia, noun

irrational fear of, aversion to, or discrimination against transgender people

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Personally, I usually start with pointing out that a person's words/behaviors are transphobic - that those words/behaviors are displaying qualities that are discriminatory towards trans people or express fear/aversion/disgust/hate/etc. towards trans people. But at some point repeated words and behaviors form a habit and come to be a defining trait of a person to outside viewers.

If a person is repeatedly getting accusations that their words/actions are an adjective they dislike, or that they themselves are an adjective they dislike, it may be worth doing some deeper reflection with a more objective third party (therapist/counselor/mediator) to find out what, if anything, needs to change. Maybe nothing does and it's all just misunderstanding and miscommunication - or maybe there is self-growth or communication skills that need work so that the way people perceive you better matches how you want to be perceived.

cuddlefaery

@Kense you are confusing sex assigned at birth & gender, a common misconception. A woman getting an ultrasound and they tell her it is male, that is not gender, that is sex, and at best it is a guess without running a chromosome check. When the doctor puts M or F on a birth certificate, that is sex assigned at birth. Gender for most humans does align with their sex assigned at birth, but not all, and transgender and gender non-conforming people have existed as long as history has. It is not some new fad.

Unscented_Lemon

@cuddlefaery Good point about what phobia means. To use an outside example, I'm not afraid of sunlight, but I am averse to it since I know it will give me a migraine if I'm not wearing my sunglasses.

But the point about them being bigoted assholes remains valid.

And I agree with everything in the spoiler. As the saying goes: once is chance, twice is coincidence, three times is conspiracy.

BrionC

YOU have the right to live your life the way you choose, just don't try to bully ME into accepting your agenda. No one is going to dictate how I use language. And I find it interesting that the same people that don't want the government or SC controlling their lives have no problem using the government to for their views on other people? Perfect example is telling straight men that not dating a trans woman is transphobia? all the while yelling "my body-my choice" . What?
So YOU get to dictate another persons preferences but telling them to accept yours

Just because someone disagrees with you does not mean they necessarily hate you. WE have evolved into an overly sensitive and emotional culture (fueled by social media(where any for of critique or challenge to a view is met with outrage and attacks rather than realizing that people are just different. Sadly many people are discovering that once they have left the comfort of their college or university and realize that the Social Justice and progressive agendas that they learned (indoctrinated) is welcomed with open are in the real world and no amount of bullying will change that.

Kense

That name separation came about during the feminist movement in the 60’s yet People still have gender reveal parties for baby’s . Are you going to tell all those people they are wrong , they should be having “sex reveal parties”. You can start labeling anything you want to conform to some belief but even people who claim to be trans are still aligning with a gender they “should” have been born as . So what are the 72 other genders? They all seem to lean towards either male or female .

Mike403

Threads like this start flame wars. It's best to just let people believe what they want to believe.

Unscented_Lemon

Oh right, claiming there's some kind of "transgender agenda" (try saying that 5 times fast) is another thing transphobes like to do, the same way that homophobes talk about a "gay agenda". Which seems to include the government telling people who they can date. Sad that they have to use conspiracy theories to push their agenda.

I never told you not to say anything. I said that if you do, we'll know you're a transphobe.

I do like how this thread is pulling the transphobes into the open. There's a few people I expected to see here, but they haven't shown up. I almost miss them. Almost.

cuddlefaery

@Kense yes, they should be called sex reveal parties technically because the baby's gender is unknown until the child is able to communicate and old enough to understand their own concept of gender - usually around the age 4 or so. But people 1) lack knowledge, like I said it's a common misconception, and 2) like tradition. Changes happen slowly. Quite a few parents have done away with gender reveal parties, either not caring what sex their baby is or preferring to not overly gender their child until it's preference is known.

Edit to add, since you edited yours:
No, I would not tell a pregnant person what to do with their pregnancy or their child. That is not my place. They can call their pre-birth party whatever they want. Parenthood is hard enough without people like you trying to use parents as weapons for the sake of argument.

And as for the number of genders and what they are, here's a helpful guide for you and others as a starting point:
https://gender.fandom.com/wiki/Gender_Wiki

Kense

I’m out of here , y’all have fun being judgmental .

Unscented_Lemon

And also that we're supposedly the intolerant ones for not tolerating intolerance.